Sometimes, there are things I want to get off my chest that wouldn’t warrant a full weekly column for each. In the past, I’ve done these as Lightning Rounds, and that’s what I’m still calling this. But, it’s not following the same format.
Basically, the following are too big for twitter, too small for “Take it from Snee” and too opinionated for regular SeriouslyGuys posts. It doesn’t help that I saw Funny People this weekend and, like the rest of America, now believe that I could do that.
Not a very good genre of music
Imagine, if you will, that there is an entire genre of music that only sings about this:
“You’re gone, and I miss you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and still a big part of my life. I can’t wait until I die because then we’ll be together again.”
Christian Rock is so emo.
Exclamation points
Sometimes in writing, people will use the exclamation point to indicate that the sentence should be read loudly and emphatically (preferably in your head). It is accepted that one exclamation point will convey loudness, two will ram that message home.
“You’re such a loser!”
“You’re such a loser!!”
However, three or more is an overestimation of your shouting ability. There is no way you can possibly yell three or more exclamation points loud. The closest humanity ever came was Star Trek II.
“Decadence” finally applied correctly
In my continuing headshake at advertisers, I noticed that McDonald’s described their new coffee flavors as decadent. Right on, McDonald’s! Anything you produce does contribute to the decline of society via health problems and clowns on television.
An exoskeleton wrapped around a turd
Why is it that when a movie is based on a book with exoskeleton-suited soldiers (Starship Troopers), the suits are cut; but, when it’s based on a show that doesn’t have exoskeletons (G.I. Joe), the suits are added in?
(And yes, I’ve been holding onto the above grievance about Starship Troopers for 10 years now.)
I wish it was soft sax
You ever get songs stuck in your head during sex? Mine vary based on rhythm and pace.
Usually, it’s a Soussa march—a steady half-time that monotonously steps into the G-spot until we’ve reached the end of the parade. (And like every parade, it’s uninteresting unless you’re 9.)
Sometimes it’s free-form jazz, though—not that stuff you hear on Skinemax, but like experimental musicians with no meter or restrictions. At that point, it’s not about the holes I’m playing, but the holes I’m not playing.
But then on the rare occasion, it’s pan flute music like the soundtrack to The Karate Kid. That’s when I get a leg cramp, but manage to get one last good kick in at the end.
And just to sort things out …
If you’re against abortion, you’re pro-life.
If you’re against contraception, you’re pro-abstinence.
And, if you’re against abortion and contraception, you’re anti-sex.
